Believe it or not: Teddy Bears
by LisNiyonna
Summary: Okies-the heroes recieve a special device hidden inside a teddybear-which Klink confiscates.
1. Part One-The Wackiness Begins

Okies- I have to say that my good friend Kendal has to take at least SOME of the blame for this story :p I hope you like it, at least a bit... but I'll warn you it's very like the telivision show on it's wacky plot-but more so, because it was late at night on MSN instant messaging with two sugar siked teenage girls. J Oh-extremely choppy... I know.   
Chapter One:  
  
Klink sighed and dropped his pen on his desk, and stood up. Pacing, he looked around. Life was NOT going good.  
  
There was a knock at the door, and his rather large Sergent of the Guards entered with Colonel Hogan, Newkirk, and Le Beau in tow.  
  
"Herr Kommadant! I beg to report something...UNUSUAL.." Schultz snapped to attention. LeBeau and Newkirk exchanged tired glances and did likewise, while Hogan leaned against the wall, watching for an opening.   
  
Klink was amazed to see his sergeant carrying a large teddy bear under one arm.   
  
What is it. Schultz?" Klink bellowed. Colonel Hogan, from the wall grinned. "Yeah, Schultz, what is it?"  
  
Schultz's eyes widened as everybody looked at him. "I-I-I...these three were...then they were-than this thing...then that" He looked at the grinning colonel, the grinning allies, the glowering colonel, and the huge teddy bear, in cycles. "Ask Colonel Hogan." He gave the teddy bear a hug.   
Hogan, who during the Sergeants 'explanation, had got a cigar from the commandant's cubador, grinned and stuck it in his mouth hanging out of the corner mockingly.  
  
  
Hogan sat on the corner of the desk. "You see Colonel, my men and i have been making this teddy bear for decorational purposes. -We're all bored, sir! We need things to keep us busy! Hence the teddy bears. We're planning on doing our whole barracks up in them! Hang them from the walls! Put them on all the beds!..."  
  
He stopped in his 'visionary' and looked at the colonel. "But you know sir, this one was so hard we're considering just making it a center piece and quitting. What do you think?"  
  
Schultz gaped. This was not right! He had found the men outside the gates, disconnecting a parachute from the bear! But...perhaps he was not remembering accurately?  
  
Klink sighed. Hogan always had one far-fetched ideas or another of the like whenever he came in here. It really was no wonder they were losing the war! Klink was just about tired of them. He stood and smiled one of the more ugly-trying-to-be-menacing smiles and stood up. He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by his telephone ringing. His mouth shut and he picked up the receiver.  
  
Hogan took the cigar lighter off of Klink's desk and lit his cigar, and waited.   
  
Klink looked impatient. "Heil Hitler! What is it...Father? How are you? Yes...Yes! Well, no...But wait! No! Wait! ARGH!"  
  
He slammed the hook down. "I have no time to listen to your silly stories Hogan. Dismissed. "  
  
Hogan picked up the bear and started to leave, but Klink stopped. "Schultz! Put that bear in solitary!"  
Newkirk and LeBeau exchanged glances...was Klink losing his mind?  
  
Schultz suppressed a smirk, clicked his heels, and left, bear snugly under his arm, on his way to the cooler.   
  
Hogan exchanged glances with his men and quietly filed out of the Commandant's office, coming out with more cigars then they went in with. They made it back to the barracks where Kinch and Carter were waiting anxiously for them.  
  
Carter was relieved to see them back so soon. "Gee! No solitary for being out of the camp?"  
  
Kinch frowned." Where's the bear?"  
  
Hogan grinned despite himself. "In Solitary confinement. Newkirk, see what cell it's in. We may have a tunnel leading to it. Kinch, just why was that bear so important it was dropped in daylight for us to pick up?"  
  
Kinch, not saying anything, handed Hogan a piece of paper with his scribble on it. "Read this, Colonel."  
  
Hogan looked at it and slapped his head. "Something's inside it, but they don't want us to know what. We're supposed to deliver the bear untouched to the underground. What kind of an order is that?"  
:  
Kinch shrugged. "Typical London High Command?" Carter snickered. Newkirk came jogging back. "Schultz actually 'as two men guarding the bloody toy! We not only don't have a tunnel into the cell, but 'e has a man guarding on the inside and out. He must think this Teddy's a bleedin' general!"  
  
Hogan sighed and walked over to the teapot. He readied it and turned it on. The commandant's office was quiet for a fraction of a second then there was a sound of someone bursting through Klink's door. A chair slid on the ground and Klink was heard mumbeling, "Father, what a pleasant surprise!" The POW's exchanged surprised glances. "Shut up, Wilhelm! Always babbling! Disgrace!"  
  
Hogan rolled his eyes in bewilderment. "I'd better go over there-keep listening on the bug." He grabbed his hat, and headed for the door  
  
Klink rubbed his temples, as his father rambled on. "I don't know why I came to visit you, Wilhelm! Nasty prison camp! Simply unsanitary! LOOK at this place! DisGRACEful!" Hogan entered at this precise moment. Klink considered whether to be dismayed at the carefree colonel's entrance, or relieved. "Colonel Hogan what do you want?"  
  
Colonel Hogan smiled as he doffed his cap. "I just wanted to say hello to your Pa here. "Hiya-my name's Hogan-yours is Klink, i presume?"  
  
Mr. Klink's eyes widened at this disgraceful act. "Wilhelm! You do not keep these prisoners cowed! Shame! Back, you american! Attention! Stay!"  
  
Hogan grinned, amused at the old man's verocity. He took a cigar from Klink's desk, and sat on the corner. "I was just wondering, sir, when you were going to let our teddy out of the cooler. "  
  
Colonel Klink rubbed his temples as his father again raged. "'Teddy'? What IS this man TALKING about? I don't see why you don't just put him in the cooler- or better yet in front of a firing squad! That's what any HONORABLE Klink would do. But nooooo! Not MY Wilhelm!  
  
Klink blushed and turned to Hogan angrily. "HOGAN! Your Teddy Bear shall remain in solitary confinement until I and I ALONE give the orders to release it! Any further requests to let it out will be punished! DISMISSED!"  
Elisa says:  
Hogan did a saucy salute, and a wink at Mr. Klink, and left with a flourish.   
Elisa says:  
Kinch sighed. "Oh boy...and we need that teddy bear delievered tomorrow night!"  
  
LeBeau grinned. "Leave it to me and Newkirk, Kinch!" Newkirk got the idea and grinned. After a moment's conference, those two set out. Kinch looked at Carter. "That's fine for them…but what about us?" Carter still didn't get it…  
  
Hogan entered the barracks, and looked at his men suspiciously. LeBeau was cooking something or another at the oven, and Newkirk was mending, Carter and Kinch were playing cards-nothing unusual...but something seemed unusual...like they had something up their sleeves. Carter looked up at their CO and saw his expression as Hogan sat down. "I dunno-that Dad of Klink's is a mean one! Ornery even! For a many of eighty or ninety…if he were twenty years younger I'd watch my step!"  
  
Kinch suppressed a grin. "Whatever possessed Klink to put that dumb bear in the cooler in the first place? This is UTTERLY ridiculous!"  
  
Hogan huffed. "Your telling me? I'm telling you! We need to find a way to get Klink to release that bear!"  
  
TBC!!  



	2. Part Two-The Wackiness gets worse!

YIKES!! NOT ANOTHER ONE!  
Yes-we're even wackier than before, i'm afraid...well read on if you dare...  
  
  
Klink Sr. rolled his wheelchair out of the office and onto the front porch. He then noticed that his son had remained behind. "SON! Follow me! Klink jr meekly stepped out, with his father, spouting about how comfortable the guest quarters would be.   
  
"nevermind the quarters yet, Wilhelm! Get me down these stairs!" Colonel Klink looked at the chair a moment, then motioned for two guards, who willingly lifted the chair to the ground.  
  
"I want a tour, Wilhelm!" Klink Sr. bellowed. Colonel Klink looked sick for a moment and started to try to dissuade his father. "Father, it is late, and you are undoubtedly tired.." Klink Sr. cut him off with a glare and started wheeling towards barracks 2.  
  
Klink was about to reluctantly follow, when Hilde stepped out. "General Burkhalter on the phone, Herr Kommandant!"  
  
Klink restrained a smile of relief, and turned towards the office. "Sorry, father-Srgt. Schultz will give you a complete tour. "  
  
Schultz snapped to attention, led the way to Barracks two  
  
Hogan sat his coffee down when Klink sr. came into the room, but didn't show any other sign of being aware he was even there.  
  
"American! You!!"  
  
Hogan looked up and grinned. "Hiya gramps. sorry about the mess-but we weren't expecting callers. Have fun!" and he went back to his conversation, clearing dismissing the old man.   
  
"You, yankee! What is your name? Guard, who is this man?" Klink Sr. asked rather loudly. Newkirk, from his bunk, looked downa t the elderly German. "'Ey! Pe'ple ar' tryin' t'sleep in 'ere! 'Ave some r'spect!" he yelled and layed back down.  
  
Shultz barely escaped running from the barracks in terror ofthe old man's gaze. "Co-colonel H-Hogan is the senior POW here at Stalag 13...that was Newkirk, this is Cockroach, er, LeBeau.." Klink turned to face the large sergent "Shut up, dumbkoph! Disgraceful camp! Best stalag, peh!"  
  
Schultz wilted, and noticably looked to Hogan for help  
  
Hogan took pity, and stepped forward. "Look, Herr Klink. This is the way it's gonna be. We're the disrespectful Allied forces, 'cowed' by you beastly huns. Let's leave it at that, huh?"  
  
Herr Klink looked at Hogan with scrutiny. "Ja. Let's leave it at that, for now. But I am going to let my son know about ur behaviour!"  
  
Hogan made a terrified look-then grinned. "You go right ahead."  
  
As soon as Herr Klink left-in a snit or not-Newkirk lept from his bunk.   
  
"Colonel 'Ogan, me mate 'ere and I have a bit of a plan goin'...d'ye mind?  
******  
  
"THAT man should be put in front of the firing squad, ja? Of course!. You are too slack wth these POW's, Whilhelm. It will be your undoing."  
  
'Wilhelm' wrung his hands. "It's not my fault they don't teach respect in Allied officer training. I have been tempted to shoot him many a time, Sir, believe me!"  
  
They were interrupted by Hogan coming in, followed by Schultz, LeBeau, and Newkirk-the latter two carrying packages.   
  
Klink slammed his hand on his desk. "What is it this time?"   
Schultz didn't know whether to laugh or...what. "You ordered top security on that toy-i-i-i mean that prisoner-the teddy bear, herr kommandant. I didn't know what to do.  
  
LeBeau came forward. "I made some stew for it, mon colonel. Magnifique! He has to be feeling miserable."  
  
Newkirk managed to keep a straightface. "And it's a mite nippy in there, guv'nor-i made it a sweater."  
  
Klink was suddenly aware that his mouth was hanging open. He shut it.   
Klink sr. was not talking. He must be suprised too, thought Hogan with a smirk.   
  
Klink rolled his eyes. "Of course, of course-Schultz, you know what to do. DISMISSED!"  
Why did I ever put that bear in the cooler? Klink shook his head in despair. Of course he couldn't release it NOW-would not be good form. Perhaps later?  
  
As soon as he could!  
***  
  
Hogan, Newkirk, and LeBeau finally go to their barracks-and finally laughed. "Y-you should 'ave seen the looks on those kraut's faces!! Bloody shocked, they were!  
"  
  
Carter giggled. "Boy! What if the next time we try to break it out?"  
  
Hogan rolled his eyes. "Guys-this isn't a game. This device is needed badly...whatEVER it is! And we need to think of something intelligent to get it out."  
  
"And let's make that ASAP" Kinch climbed out of the tunnel bunk.   
  
"London just sent a message-the contact that needs the part has arrived, and would like to leave as soon as possible, for safety reasons, hopefully by tomorrow night. "  
  
Hogan sighed. "Great. JUST great. Ok, fellas-this is utterly ludicrous-we've built airplanes in our barracks before-let's figure a way to get the toy out of the cooler, ok? I'm in my quarters if anyone thinks of something. "  
  
TBC  
We're gonna do a final chapter probably tomorrow night...any ideas to make more twist or a sequal, or another wacky idea...or ANYTHING! would be highly appreciated. 


	3. Part Three-The Wierdest Finale...

*The next day-around 8pm*  
Klink sat back with a happy sigh. His father was supposedly taking a nap-Hogan was in his barracks, Schultz on guard duty...finally! Peace for a few hours, perhaps...  
  
BRRRRRRING!!!  
  
Klink suddenly had the urge to throw something...but he knew it just might be an important phone call. He picked up the reciever and tried to contain his anger. "Heil Hitler, what is it?"  
  
"Sir? I want to report that some of the prisoners attempted to break-"  
"WHAT! WHO???"  
  
The guard hesitated. "Umm...Srgt.s Carter and Kinchloe-and Hogan."  
  
  
Klink turned red. How DARE they attempt an escape while his father was there! Well, he'd show what he was made of!! "Bring them to my office at ONCE! And summon my father. Dismissed!"  
  
He hung up and started pacing. Just when things had started to settle down..  
  
The guard shrugged. "He wants you in the office. "  
  
The guard came rushing in, not a full 3 minutes later with the prisoners in tow. He came to a stiff attention, saluted and clicked his heels. "The prisoners, Herr Kommandant." at just this time, Schultz and Klink Sr. came wheeling in. Shultz, bumbling and muttering, came to attention and dopped his helmet on the floor in hte process. The Guard looked as if he was trying to contain laughter,  
  
Hogan had his hat cocked, and Carter was trying to hold a whole bunch of handmade tools. Klink narrowed his eyes. "Would you care to explain to me, Colonel Hogan, how you manage to try to escape so often, even when you KNOW it's impossible??"  
  
Hogan smiled and shrugged. "We weren't escaping-the men wnat their teddy bear, sir! They made it, after all!!!"  
  
Sr. Klink rolled up with irritation. "If they made a machine gun and shovels, they wouldn't be allowed to keep them!"  
  
Klink jr nodded in agreement. "Schultz! Confine these men to their barracks and reduce white bread and writing paper rations for each man. Start up a fire and we'll burn that cursed bear!" he raged with unusual forcefullnes. The POWs looked stricken for a moment until Klink Sr. saved their behinds, literally...  
  
Klink Sr., who definetely disliked his son's actions up to this point, spoke up. "Wilhelm, I want to see that..'teddy bear'. It would make a perfect gift to your mother, she is upset at me for playing the Volin at one of her parties.  
  
Hogan made a sigh of relief, but at the same time this was pretty bad.   
Klink nodded, in sympathy-if the prisoners thought HE was bad!...who had taught him?...perhaps instead of reduced rations...no, of course that wouldn't work...  
  
"Very well, Father-Schultz will take him to your quarters. Schultz!" Schultz clicked his heels and left.   
****************  
  
Hogan sat heavily on the bench. What had he done wrong? How were they to get that bear now? Clearly he'd overplayed Klink....and that bothered him.   
To top it off, they STILL have to reach their contact in Hammelburg!  
"Ok men, it's pretty desperate now. Any suggestions?"  
  
Kinch sighed. "Afraid not, Colonel...there's not really a problem with actually GETTING the bear...it'll just be at least a few hours before that happens...and the agent needs the bear in like..." He looked at his watch. "two hours-to catch a plane out."  
  
Hogan nodded brusquely. "Contact the underground-arrange a meeting at the Schneiderzohn barn. "  
  
**********  
  
That night, Hogan, Carter, Newkirk and LeBeau dressed as German civiallians stood inside the old barn waiting their contact. Hogan looked down at his watch then took out the wireless radio. "Kinch, and sign of trucks cars or horses?" he aked impatiently into the radio.  
  
"No sir. All is quiet." Hogan silently cursed.There was a noise in the shadows and his men quickly pulled out their weapons and took up defensive postions.  
  
"D-d-don't shoot, boys! It's me!!!" Schultz whimpered. Hogan put down his gun. "SChultz?! What the heck are you doing here? Did you follow us?"  
  
Schultz shook his head energetically. "No, Colonel-H-Herr Klink had me roll him out here..."  
  
Schultz produced the old man, who was quite surprised at who he saw. "YOU! YOU'RE 'papa bear', Amerikaner??"  
  
Colonel Hogan restrained laughter. "Yeah, as a matter of fact..."  
  
To the POWs surprise, Klink laughed and motioned for Schultz to leave. "B-but, Herr Klink, I cannot leave you..." he was cut off by Hogan.   
  
"Schultz, do you REALLY want to hear this, I mean REALLY?"  
  
Schultz closed his flapping mouth and muttered. "I see nothing..NOTHING!" he left very quickly, shutting the barn door behind him.  
  
Hogan leaned against a post. "Good man, Schultz."  
:Klink nodded. "Great for your operation, i can imagine, as is my poor ignorant offspring. Now what is the problem, Papa Bear?"  
  
Hogan straightened. "Well, we CALLED the meeting because the device was out of our hands in time for your leaving time. But...you already have it. "  
  
Klink frowned. "What are you talking about, Amerikaner?"  
  
Hogan grinned. "The Bear, Wolf, the teddy bear." 'Wolf' smiled and laughed.   
  
"I see. Well in that case, I wish you success in your operation-you have no idea how much good you are doing for the Allied war effort. God bless."  
Klink shook his hand. Hogan returned the surprisingly hearty shake, and wondered at the ingenuity of his disguise...was he really the frail old man he seemed?   
  
Hogan gestured for LeBeau to go fetch Schultz.   
  
LeBeau nodded and exited. "Schultzie, oh schultzie?" he called into the night.   
  
"What is it, Cockroach?"  
  
"You can come back in now, Schultz." Klink called from the barn. "It is getting late, and my son," he spat the word "Might actually be worrying. We must go."  
  
"B-but what about Colonel Hogan, and the Englander?" "Wotsa 'bout us, Schultzie?"  
  
LeBeau grinned. He didn't count?   
  
Hogan patted Schultz on the back. "We came out to help you search for the escaped prisoner-LeBeau."  
  
"Y-you did? I was searcing? I-I-I...come one! Let's get back to camp! MARCH!  
  
And so the allies lined up and marched, ahead of the wheelchair-LeBeau looking crestfallen. "  
**************  
  
Klink sat back, this time NOTHING could go wrong. No Teddy Bears, no fathers, and docile prisoners, not to mention a few locked away safely in the cooler.   
  
  
BRRIIIINNGGG!!!  
  
  
Klink in his happy mood picked up the reciever and spat out a cheerful 'Heil Hitler before the wave hit him. It was Klink Sr.  
  
"Bah! Humbug! Wilhelm, son, I bet you can't guess where I AM! Son, how are you?" Klink Sr, or Wolf as he was know where he was, asked Colonel Klink cheerfully.  
  
Klink frowned. "I am SURE I don't know, sir. "  
  
Not waiting for a response, Klink Sr continued.   
"I was just calling to tell you that your Mother and I are in England-England! I have to go, but tell Hogan thankyou for me, ja?"  
  
As his father hung up the phone on him, Klink slamed the reciever back on the hook, and bellowed, "HOOGANNNN!!"  
  
As if on cue, Hogan walked in, with a gift wrapped parcel under his arm.   
  
"You wanted me sir?"  
  
Klink took his pen, and pointed it at him. "I just recieved a call from my father, who is apparently in England, he said to give you thanks. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT, Hogan?  
  
Hogan inwardly sighed with relief. This was the way Wolf was to let them know he was home free. Outwardly, he shrugged. "Gee, I dunno, sir...I thought he hated me. Maybe my charm outwitted him...I guess he decided he'd go where we're all friendly-you know, not shooting eachother?"  
  
Klink started to talk, then stopped...Hogan had a point, there.  
  
Hogan started to leave, then stopped, and snapped. "Oh YEAH! The boys made you a gift sir, they're way of apologizing for all the trouble they caused over that Teddy Bear. Here ya go. "  
  
And with that, Hogan left. Overcome by curiousity, Klink cautiously unwrapped his gift. Out came the most gorgeous little teddy bear.  
  
Klink suppressed himself from ripping it in half. Shaking his fist at the door from which Hogan had retreated, he looked back at the bear, lying on the floor. He picked it up, examining it.   
  
Well, it wasn't SO bad...he sat it on the corner of the desk, and went back to his reports.   
  
THE END  
  
*whew* ok that was the end of this story...if you liked it and want more, let me know...  
  



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